Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
