I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
