Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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