Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
well you can't waste a boner
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
