Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
