I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Is Oprah even human
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
