Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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