I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
