If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
