If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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