dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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