Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
