Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
