That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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