I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
