My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
