Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You don't make any sense
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