You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
