the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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