I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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