i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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