How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
