how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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