My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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