Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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