"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
