Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
