made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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