I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
