my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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