WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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