just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
