I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
