could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Fuck appropriateness.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
