sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
