Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
