Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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