Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
