my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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