life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
