I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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