we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
