Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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