I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
