my phone needs a breathalizer
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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