My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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