Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
