She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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