Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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