after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
