a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
