I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
