Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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