I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
