Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
