So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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