too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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