I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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