oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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