My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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