I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
