You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
