For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
